Kevin Toms Blog » Comedy

..And you can’t get a steak before 12 at Manchester Airport

Kevin Toms — Wed, 15 Jun 2011 15:21:17 +0000

So I had to wait a while at Manchester airport. I was sent to the wrong terminal and did a lot of walking. I was hungry, had missed breakfast. So I went to the cafe there. Signs were up. Full English Breakfast etc. – that caught my eye. Then I saw Steak and Chips – that was my choice.
So I went to the counter, another sign saying “Steak and Chips” listed with the other food options. “Steak and Chips please” I said.
“Not until 12 o’clock” the man behind the counter said. “It’s 17 minutes to!” I said in desperation.
Realising I had a point, (there was nothing on the signs saying it had to be midday before you could get it), the main said “give me 5 minutes, I’ll get it for you”. So I assume he went to negotiate with the Chef, I don’t know..
The steak arrived at my table just after 12. Service eh?

You can’t get a black coffee at Old Trafford!

Kevin Toms — Tue, 07 Jun 2011 19:10:28 +0000

It was just over a week ago, I had my ticket for the match. I had traveled in total nearly 13,000 miles in getting there. So I was in the stadium at Old Trafford. I was cold, I had been living in a place as warm as Spain, and it was a cold Manchester day. I went to the counter for food and drink. I asked for a black coffee. “We don’t sell black coffee” the man said. (I am allergic to milk so I have to have black). But, there was another seller on the other side. They also had an automatic coffee machine. “Black coffee please” I said.
“We don’t sell black coffee” he replied flatly.
“But there is a button on your machine there saying ‘Black coffee’ ” I said.
“We don’t sell black coffee” he stated firmly.

There was nowhere else to buy. I was cold, and there were no options but water. My nephew was laughing by this time – “You’re back in England now!” he said, very amused.

I stood for a while feeling fed up at feeling so cold. I was acclimatised to warmth and I didn’t fancy a couple of hours on the terraces feeling that cold. I noticed a couple of Old Trafford stewards standing nearby. “I can’t get a black coffee here, they don’t sell it here, right?”

“What?” one of them said. “I tried all the places”. So in disbelief they went and checked. They came back. “You’re right!” they said. Then one of them said- “I’ll get you one from the Stevenage side, you can’t go through but I’ll get one.”

Good service after all I thought. My nephew is dying at this point with laughter at this all.

A few minutes later the steward came back. “Right give me the 2 pounds and I’ll get it for you”. So I gave him the 2 pounds. I was going to get my elusive coffee.

5 minutes or so he came back again. He held the 2 pounds out to me. “They don’t do it!” he said. He looked beaten.

So I froze for the whole match, nothing to warm up with at half time. I was near hypothermic and shivering.

THEY DON’T SELL BLACK COFFEE AT OLD TRAFFORD.

(It’s not that weird a drink!)

(My nephew is still laughing about this)

Richard Herring, Football Manager and Comedy

Kevin Toms — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 06:28:36 +0000

Richard Herring wrote about my game and the iPhone Football Manager game I am writing in his blog entry.

It triggered me thinking about comedy and remembering my audition for a comedy show triggered by sending in my recording of this interview with Jason the UFO spotter. I am not a professional like Richard Herring, but I hope it makes you smile!